I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am mentally ready for anal.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
