my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
