i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
