she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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