THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
