i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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