On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
