In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
