Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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