Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
