I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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