i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
