I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
