It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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