do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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