I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
