You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
