Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
