I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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