I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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