I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
