dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Still dying that you shit outside
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
