the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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