1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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