i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
