meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
