I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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