So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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