The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
