Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
