it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
