The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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