I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
