well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
