but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
