I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
