the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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