Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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