anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
last night I used snow as a chaser
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
