even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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