I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
