it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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