Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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