Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
