If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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