I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
