a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
