I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
