my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
