The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
