Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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