I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
